Observatorium

Tiny Hands

2008-04-23T13:25:00.002-06:00

I just discovered this web show called Tiny Hands from Comedy Central's Motherload. It's about a dude with plastic baby doll hands. I think that should be enough to entice you to watch it.

Epiphany

2008-04-07T09:03:00.003-06:00

I've been grappling with depression, rejection, jealousy, anger, and confusion recently over the way my ex-boyfriend treated me at the end. I just realized, regardless of whether karma exists or not, and whether he is ever treated as horribly as he treated me, he will always be a bad person and his cowardly and selfish actions will be a part of him for the rest of his life. That's karma in itself. At least I can live with a clean conscience and know that I am a good person. Shizam!

I don't have to wait for karma to take care of it for me. It already has.

Genesis

2008-02-15T10:14:00.003-06:00

I'm listening to "Invisible Touch" by Genesis and it reminds me of the summer I went to a day sports camp. I believe it was the summer after my 5th grade year, so I would have been about 10. We played tether ball a lot during down time - I wasn't half bad. Once after a swimming lesson, I couldn't find my underwear in the locker room so I had to go commando. I ended up playing a rousing game of tether ball and was paranoid people could tell I was sans undies. It's weird the random memories that come up just from listening to one song.

Its been a while

2008-02-14T11:05:00.004-06:00

I've decided to start blogging again occasionally, I guess because I kind of miss it. And now there is absolutely no pressure because no one will even know. I was reading through some of my older posts and they crack me up, if I do say so myself.

Happy Valentine's Day! I am recently single after close to 4 years. It's been a little rocky for me, especially given that my ex-boyfriend officially ended the relationship through an email. Yes, it's true. I'm still reeling from that sting - don't know if it will ever go away. Everyone says, "time heals all wounds." I suppose that's true, but I would rather it go away immediately. I wish I could just snap my fingers and erase the hurt and pain residing in every cell of my body. Maybe if I follow the rules of "The Secret" or whatever and just ask the universe to make my pain go away it will happen.

Life is hard.

2 months of silence

2007-07-27T10:19:00.000-06:00

I apologize to my hundreds of readers out there. I know you've been salivating for my return to the blogosphere. Life is not worth living without my witty prose, I know. Alas, I have returned. I have missed my little obscure blog.

At this very moment my stomach is eating itself, the acid gurgling in my empty belly. It wants something to digest and share with my bloodstream. I wonder how long it takes to starve to death? I assume many months. After awhile the hunger pains would subside. Hunger pains suck. They make you fat.

I discovered Stumble Upon a few days ago. It's an interesting application. I found lots of interesting sites. That internet is something else!

Racialicious

2007-05-30T14:42:00.000-06:00

I know all I've been posting are few and far between links to other things out there. It's all I got right now. I found an interesting blog by accident today called Racialicious, which I found when I googled "ethnicity of Fergie". Inquiring minds wanted to know, what is her "racial ethnicity"? Apparently, Mexican and Native American. I thought she was half African-American or something, as her music and lyrics might suggest, if one were to lump all particular styles of music into one big, stereotypical category.

In other news, I can't stop eating Starbursts.

Funny pop culture snark

2007-05-17T13:31:00.000-06:00

I love The Tolerability Index on the Onion. It funny. So is The Hater blog.

Schlong's

2007-05-15T13:57:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I've left a picture of watermelon sized fake breasts at the top of my blog for weeks. I don't understand why anyone would mutilate their body like that. What kind of men really lust after Frankenstein boobs? I guess the majority of men do or these women in the titty bar/porn industry wouldn't have water balloons inserted into their body.

On the intro to the local news last night they were talking about a new Italian restaurant coming to Cordova where the waitresses will be topless! That's disturbing on so many levels. The last thing this city needs is another "gentleman's club", but having naked women serving consumables to these "gentlemen" is taking the whole concept a little too far. Though several years ago, when I was just a wee lass, some friends and I came up with a concept for a restaurant with naked men servers. The only dish I can remember now is the blue-ball special (reminiscent of the blue plate special). We laughed over that for days. But really, there are so many women-demeaning restaurant/bars in existence today (Hooters, Coyote Ugly, Titty bars, etc.) it would be only fair to have the same type of restaurant directed at the male anatomy. Where is Schlong's, where women can go and ogle young scantily clad men while they eat a tasty treat?

Yowsa

2007-04-24T14:54:00.000-06:00

I found this pic on Perez Hilton. This depicts everything that is wrong with the world today.

Random tidbits

2007-04-19T14:01:00.000-06:00

I'm stuffing gobstoppers in my mouth because I bought a huge box of them at Walgreens. Walgreens has a huge section of boxed candy like you get at the movies that are nice and cheap. I can't resist the allure.

I was looking at a T-shirt website and found one that said "The baby ate my dingo" or something to that effect, so I decided to do a search on the origination of the phrase "a dingo ate your baby". The answer is found here. I had no idea there was an actual case involving a baby-eating dingo. I just thought it was from Seinfeld when Elaine told some random woman at a party that a dingo ate her husband because she felt like fucking around. Sounds like something I would do.

Duke Lacrosse/Malik Shabazz

2007-04-13T12:04:00.000-06:00

I caught this interview on Fox News last night while drinking at the Bayou. It's with Malik Shabazz, leader of the New Black Panther party, on his reaction to the charges against the Duke Lacrosse team being dropped. He calls her a political prostitute and she says "you want to call me a whore on national television?". I think both of them are completely out of line, but the video captures both sides of the issue very well. What really happened that night? Are they completely innocent of any wrong doing? I have my doubts. Was it just a complete smear campaign with no basis in truth? That could also be the case. I don't know.

I may be biased because I'm a woman and I have a deep loathing of spoiled frat boys. Misogyny combined with entitlement is the cause of rape. We know these boys are wealthy. We know these boys hired two strippers for their little party. Of course, that doesn't mean they're guilty, and I'm not familiar with the details of the case. I'm just saying, it isn't the craziest idea to think some kind of sexual assault occurred. And it isn't the craziest idea to think the charges were dropped due to their rich and powerful parents hiring the best defense lawyer money can buy. I am not defending this Malik character, but his claims aren't off the wall. Guilty people get off all the time. Innocent people are charged all the time. Justice isn't always served.

The boys they want to sex me

2007-04-09T15:06:00.000-06:00

Happy Monday!

Ridge?

2007-03-28T14:28:00.000-06:00

Forrester? Is that you? I saw this on Go Fug Yourself and thought, now Ridge, what have you gone and gotten yourself into? He looks equal parts gay and homeless. Certainly not a hunky soap star.

Thoughts on olives

2007-03-27T12:25:00.000-06:00

I had the urge to throw a green olive at someone or something on the patio of Holiday Ham today. Everyone at all the other tables looked so bored, I thought a stray olive would really liven the place up. Life is more fun when random weird stuff happens.

Iraq blog

2007-03-26T13:58:00.000-06:00

I discovered an interesting blog on Iraq from NPR's Morning Edition. It's done by an award-winning photojournalist for Getty Images. It looks like a good source of behind the scenes information on life in Iraq. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to witness all the violence and destruction innocent Iraqi citizens must endure. You'd have to have an extremely thick skin coupled with extreme passion for your work.

This woman is bat shit crazy

2007-03-22T15:31:00.001-06:00

Street Interview Gone Bad

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Facial at the beauty school

2007-03-21T14:36:00.000-06:00

I've been meaning to blog about my trip to Plaza Beauty School last Friday where I got a $15, hour long facial. I went with 2 other people and since they only have 2 facial rooms they set us up in the classroom with a hodgepodge of chairs, leg rests and tables. There were posters on the wall outlining the chemical make-up of hair dye. After they turned off the lights and cranked up the New Age music it was quite pleasant, even though a few times other students came barging in to get things. I think some of them were a little huffy that the customers took over their territory. I want to go back to Plaza, not necessarily to get another facial, but to take pictures of all the mannequin heads and old ladies in curlers under the dryers. There are mannequin heads everywhere with hairdos in various stages of completion. I don't know why I like mannequins so much; they're a pretty cheesy photo subject. I guess I find them surreal.

Tracy Morgan hijacks local news show

2007-03-14T11:23:00.000-06:00

This is really funny, especially if you're a Tracy Morgan fan.

Black Snake Moan

2007-03-12T13:09:00.000-06:00

So Black Snake Moan was even more ridiculous than I expected, and not because the plot involved a skank on a chain. What I found the most ridiculous about the movie was the depiction of Rae's (Christina Ricci) psychological issues. We find out that she was sexually abused by her mother's boyfriend, which implies this is at the root of her wild and spontaneous sexual urges. But then we're also supposed to believe that she has weird spells that overtake her body and are the manifestation of her nymphomania, or "the sickness". Why the overkill? So, is she a nympho or is she just reacting to what happened to her in the past? Does excessive sex because of sexual abuse equal nymphomania? I suppose it isn't meant to be taken literally, but I like my movies to a least make some sort of sense overall. It was all so muddled that there ended up being no meaning at all.

And then there's Robbie (JT) who has debilitating panic attacks, yet he wants to join the military. He can't even drive on the interstate without losing his shit, but he thinks he's going to go off to Iraq? And they end up getting married? WTF?

The entire movie is mind-boggling.

Nymphomania rocks!

2007-03-09T14:10:00.000-06:00

I have so many projects I want to work on, I can't get anything done. I need some Ritalin. Time management has never been my strong suit. Perhaps I should go pick up a self help book on the topic. Then it could gather dust on my bedside table with all the other books and magazines I can't find the time to read.

So I think I'll see Black Snake Moan this weekend. I have a feeling I won't like it. I wasn't a big fan of Hustle and Flow. I thought it was, in a word, cheesy. I have a sneaking suspicion that my problem with Moan will be the misogynistic undertones, as well as the fact that Christina Ricci looks like Skeletor's slutty little sister. Oh and also Justin Timberlake is in it. I have developed a hatred for the "next Michael Jackson" because my roommate waited on him one time and he was a complete asshole and didn't even tip 10%. I don't care how talented the little prick is, if you stiff my roommate I'm gonna bad mouth you for all eternity. I admit that is a bit irrational, but I used to wait tables and once a member of that club, you're a member for life. We have our own gangsta signs.

Girl chokes and dies on own snot

2007-03-01T11:59:00.000-06:00

Film at 11. That headline almost came true this morning when I was in the shower. I thought for sure I would be discovered soapy, naked and dead in my tub by my roommate.

I am completely buggered out at work on sinus medication that has interacted negatively with my hangover. The simplest of tasks have become obstacles of life and death proportions. Typing this right now is about to give me a nervous breakdown. A phone call is enough to make me scream in terror.

In other news, my friend has a great food blog all 3 of my readers should check out called Edible Therapy. Isn't that a great name?

I'm off this weekend to be in my sister's wedding in Birmingham, AL. For some reason I'm kind of nervous. I hope my dysfunctional family will pull though this with grace.

Hawt

2007-02-21T15:42:00.000-06:00

I hate hot people who act like they're hot. It's so unbecoming. If you're good looking you don't have to harp on it. It drives me crazy! I just want to punch them in their hot little face.

Is this because I'm not hot? Who's with me? Don't you just want to tell some conceited male model type, "You know, you're really not that attractive." Just to see his jaw drop in disbelief? And then shake your fat belly at him and say, "You want some of this?"

It's been a long day.

Valentimes

2007-02-15T15:39:00.000-06:00

There's nothing quite like getting in a fight with your significant other on Valentine's Day. Before all the badness happened, we had a thoroughly satisfying meal at Sauces. Aside from the uptight couple next to us who were kind of rude to the waitress, I enjoyed the atmosphere. The chopped salad is my new favorite salad in this town, pushing the seared tuna salad from Bosco's to the number 2 position. I can't wait to go back. Also, they have an extensive mojitos menu - and it only takes 1 to produce a pleasant little buzz.

I posted these 2 videos on my myspace blog, but I thought I'd post them here. You have to watch these. You won't be sorry.

I'm Hot Blooded

2007-02-08T14:05:00.000-06:00

I've been fantasizing lately about becoming a lounge singer. I don't think I really have the pipes for it, but damn it, I love to sing and perform. When I'm working out on the elliptical machine and listening to my workout mix I start daydreaming about performing the songs, really belting them out, as well as shaking my ass. What about a Foreigner tribute band called Hot Blooded? I know, you don't think there's a demand for a Foreigner cover band. But you haven't seen my interpretation of the classic hits "Urgent", "I Want to Know What Love Is", "Head Games", and of course "Hot Blooded". I think it could work as long as the performances are really over the top, and I can deliver that in spades. I'm a fucking nut case.

Super Bowl

2007-02-05T16:10:00.000-06:00

This is my favorite commercial from the Super Bowl. There wasn't very much to choose from. I had a good hearty laugh from this one.

Neko Case

2007-02-01T13:16:00.000-06:00

Neko Case is so fucking awesome!
Pardon my French, I just had to get that out. Do you capitalize French when used in that particular context?

I am pissed that we didn't get our snow day. It's the little things in life that make it all worthwhile. Like fresh tomatoes from the garden, and adult snow days in the middle of the week. I am feeling a little poetic today, though that is not quite the accurate word for how I'm feeling. Let me look it up in the Word thesaurus and get back to you. Maybe a better word would be poignant.

I hate it when a coworker sneezes and you feel pressured to say "bless you", but you don't really want to because what if you say it and then they don't say "thank you" and you feel like a tard. Or what about when you sneeze and no one says "bless you" and you feel like a tard because you look around expectantly for the dude that always says it to say it to you, but he doesn't. Then you develop a raging case of sneezing paranoia.

Poignant

Say, Hello, Wave Goodbye

2007-01-29T14:29:00.000-06:00

I was listening to my coworkers satellite radio during lunch, the 80's new wave station, and "Say Hello, Wave Goodbye" came on but it wasn't David Gray it was Soft Cell. I had no idea that David Gray didn't write that song. I found the Soft Cell video on youtube. I like DG's version better.

Eeeek, corporate monkey bastardizes U2

2007-01-19T15:35:00.000-06:00

Watch this. It will make you cringe.

Tear for Charlotte

2007-01-11T15:54:00.000-06:00

I saw Charlotte's Web last night and when she was explaining to Wilbur that she was dying, fat, salty tears dripped from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I'm not even pms-ing. The characterization was so well done. Julia Robert did the voice and surprisingly it wasn't annoying, perhaps because I didn't have to look at her horse mouth.

How are those New Year's resolutions going?

Blogging cessation

2006-12-18T15:42:00.000-06:00

I don't know why I can't find the time or energy to blog anymore. Maybe it's the holidaze. I used to enjoy recounting funny little things that would happen to me. I liked attempting to be amusing. I also often expounded on how my pants were too tight. Speaking of which, the more I workout the bigger I get. It's maddening.

I'm going to try to start blogging more often. Until then, here is a Saturday Night Live skit that I remember being much funnier than it actually is. But Dana Carvey's bit, "Carol of Intimacy" at the end is great.

It's Christmas time in the ciiittteeee

2006-12-10T22:27:00.000-06:00

I went to the mall this Saturday because I am very stupid and my Mom guilt tripped me. I was hungover. It is a small Christmas miracle that I didn't lose my shit. Crowds and me don't mix, especially when they're talking loudly on their cell phones and invading my personal space to get a better look at something I'm fucking looking at! Is it really necessary to always be on the phone? Do you really want everyone within earshot to hear your stupid conversation about what you're going to wear to your lame ass office Christmas party?

So, anyway. Christmas is here! Yay! Whooooooooooooo!

Observation

2006-11-22T15:47:00.000-06:00

The pictures people use for their myspace profiles usually don't look like them. I know my favorite pictures of myself don't even begin to resemble me. It's not that I think I'm ugly, I would just rather look less....me. I think that's interesting that other people do the same thing. And now for somthing completely unrelated. Kramer flips out and shows his inner racist.

You Better Shape Up

2006-11-08T15:46:00.000-06:00

I'm studying up for next year's Halloween costume.

To Do List:
1. Lose 100 pounds so that I am as thin as Ms. Newton-John
2. Purchase a blonde, curly, pouffy wig
3. Find some spandex type pants that don't give me, um....a "toe"
4. Red heels
5. Practice my dance moves
6. Practice the line "Tell me about it, stud."

Brain droppings

2006-11-03T15:24:00.000-06:00

I wonder how much of my life will have been spent waiting on my computer to load something. It's got to be on up there with watching TV and eating.

Borat is the big movie opening this weekend. I want to see it because I read somewhere that it's the funniest movie ever made. I hope it's not as embarassing as the TV show. I always feel sorry for the people he "interviews."

I don't really have anything to blog about, but it's been so long since I've given good blog I thought I'd attempt to write a few words. I got my flu shot today. It cost 25 bucks which I thought was a little expensive, especially since I hate shots! When I was a little girl I would rather have been executed than given a shot. It's a good thing I didn't develop some horrible disease that would have required a lot of poking, because I would not have survived it. I'm just a huge wuss.

Yesterday, as I was driving, a random song rose up from the dark recesses of my mind that goes, "Sing, sing a song, sing it loud to last the whole day long. Don't worry if it's not good enough for anyone else to hear. Sing, sing a song." Then there's a bunch of la, la's. It stayed with me for most of the night. I wonder what prompts these brain droppings? Is there something going on in my life now that is similar to a time in my past when I heard this song and enjoyed it? Because I haven't heard that song in decades, yet I sang it as if I was born to sing it from the mountain tops.

Chuck Klosterman

2006-10-27T10:18:00.001-06:00

Here's a good article from The Simon about the new Chuck Klosterman book. I never finished reading "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" because it started to make my head hurt. I guess it was too smart for me. Below is an excerpt.

Though he may not always follow logical imperatives, he’s an exceptionally creative thinker who questions the cultural phenomena that’s thoughtlessly consumed by successive MTV generations. He manipulates the glamour of celebrity and rock stardom into morsels of mythology attractive enough for a culture suffering from Anorexia of the Idea to bite into.

Younger generations of Americans urgently need to learn to refuse their culture at face value, lest the stories sold by media conglomerates and advertising firms come to define them individually (more than they already do). I’m not arguing that a North Dakotan with a stack of KISS albums and a bong is going to single-handedly change the country. But he might be an enzyme for some sort of progression. And I assert as much knowing that Klosterman analyzes the significance of Morrissey’s Hispanic fan base, Val Kilmer’s uncanny politeness, and the reasons Goths annually coagulate in Disneyland (bingo players “gather”; Goths “coagulate”).

I think I'll give Klosterman another try.

Pathetic attempts

2006-10-26T12:45:00.000-06:00

Every year right before Halloween, I scramble to put together a half-assed costume. After this stressful situation has passed and I have utterly unimpressed every costume party attendee who sees my pathetic attemps, I have the best of intentions to put together some grand costume that I will work on diligently throughout the year, getting the necessary pieces bit by bit. One year I resolved to put together a Jem costume - it would be truly, truly, truly outrageous. But as the year slipped by and one week before the damn holiday I hadn't bought anything, well, it was devil horns glued to the forehead. LAME!

This year I was supposed to pull off the transformed Sandra Dee costume where she's got the leather pants, high heels, and afro hairdo. She shimmies in the shack with Danny at the graduation fair. "Tell me about it, stud." I was going to lose 500 pounds first of course in order to fit into the size zero leather pants she was sporting. It was going to be awesome. But alas, here it is Halloween and I've got nothing. I sure as hell didn't lose any weight. I don't even have a nappy-haired wig to throw on with some dumb mask.

Maybe I should be a toilet brush. I bet no one has ever been one of those. It wouldn't be that hard. Just make a head piece out of some bristly stuff and wear all white for the handle. Yes, it's going to be another lame costume year for me. I am pathetic.

Mormonossity

2006-10-20T14:55:00.000-06:00

I made it back unscathed from Mormon country. I found out the Salt Lake City population is actually only about half Mormon. I saw a store in the mall called "Dressed in White," which contained dowdy looking all white apparell. I assume this fulfills a demand for Mormon ceremonies and what not. I also drank a beer called Polygamist Porter. Their tag line was "Bring one home to the wives." I got to see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in a private performance which was "arranged" by a huge company run by the Mafia. The highlight of the evening was when one sassy little Mormon choir member started busting a move. She was really feeling the "spirit."

Salt Lake is a pretty city, but I don't think I would want to live there. I felt a weird vibe that I can't quite place. It was a little creepy.

Hungover

2006-10-11T10:22:00.000-06:00

So I'm hungover at work. Not a good combo. I'd like to go home now.

I'm going to Salt Lake City for work on Friday. I've never been to Utah. Perhaps I'll find a nice polygamist to marry while I'm there. Or perhaps I will join the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I think you have to be a boy and a eunuch though. Perhaps I'll give the "Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints" (or something to that effect) a try. I'm reacalling a hokey public service announcements back in the mid 80's where some kid would break a window with his baseball and then tell the truth to the owner and there was some musical number with the refrain, "I told the truth."

I think I may still be drunk.

I found an interesting blog

2006-10-03T12:01:00.000-06:00

I found it from Theology & Geometry's links. It's called At home she feels like a tourist. She just moved to Memphis from San Francisco and is very eloquent in describing her culture shock.

King Biscuit (now known as the Arkansas Blues and Heritage Festival) is this weekend. Some of my fondest memories from young adulthood took place at this event. Of course those memories are a little fuzzy from all the "extra-curricular" activities I partook in before, during, and after the big trip to Helena, Arkansas.

RPS

2006-09-27T10:35:00.000-06:00

Go watch Rocketboom today. It's about the Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship. I love silly people.

Loaf of bread, container of milk, and a stick of butter

2006-09-22T14:52:00.000-06:00

For some reason I remembered some shady character that tried to mess with the little girl on the way to the store. That's kind of fucked up.

Old school Sesame Street delights

2006-09-22T14:29:00.000-06:00

I was trying to describe the rhyming song to SB last week and I just couldn't do it justice. You just have to see it for yourself. I love the little spazzy Animal-like muppet that busts in after each verse.

Witness

2006-09-15T14:41:00.000-06:00

I was going to post about the traumatic event I witnessed on my way home from work yesterday, but now I'm having second thoughts. I've been telling anyone and everyone about it, like that might somehow relieve me of the gruesome images burned into my brain. But I wonder if it's more burdensome to the people I tell then it is helpful to me to tell it. Well, I guess it's something to blog about.

I witnessed a man being hit by a car on the interstate, so basically I saw someone die right in front of my eyes. I was directly beside the car that hit him, so I saw his face right before it happened, I saw his body fly about 10 feet in the air, and then I saw his body bounce and tumble on the ground and eventually come to a rolling stop. It was chilling and upsetting and horrible. The car that hit him pulled over, as well as at least one other, but I just slowed down and kept going. I eventually got out of my stupor enough to call 911, but they already received several calls about the accident.

I wonder what it's like to live in a country where you witness death everyday, like Iraq. Do you eventually become numb to it?

Hi

2006-09-11T14:26:00.000-06:00

This is how I often feel. Happy Monday!

Going to the beach

2006-08-31T14:54:00.000-06:00

I'm leaving work in approximately 10 minutes to go home, finish packing, and start the journey to Ft. Walton Beach, Florida. So I will continue my no blogging streak. I could possibly blog while on vacation since there is internet access in the condo. Perhaps I will.

I did something stupid

2006-08-23T13:21:00.000-06:00

I accidentally sent an email to my boss that was making fun of his email to me. It wasn't a horribly evil email or anything. But I was scared as shit for a few minutes, wondering how in the hell to handle the situation. He sent me an email pointing out that something I thought wasn't possible to do actually was. It was perfectly polite and within reason. For some reason it rubbed me the wrong way and I thought I'd comment on it to another coworker who had gotten the same email from him. I quoted his email, "does indeed update" and then typed underneath "puke." I then proceeded to send the email to my boss and not my coworker. I realized my mistake immediately after pushing send - I could still see the email, not yet launched into cyperspace. Yet there was nothing I could do. Once you hit send, there is no turning back.

I panicked. I told coworkers who looked at me in horror. How could you do that? What were you thinking? After a brief freak out with my heart pounding and my mind racing, I just sent an apology email. I told him I felt like I was being critcized and that I was sorry for sending it. We laughed about it afterwards and all is good with the world again.

I know this shit happens a lot. My manager did something similar to this a few weeks ago, but it was much worse and even more convoluted. My friend was recently on the receiving end of an errant email. I wonder if anyone has ever gotten fired over this? That would totally suck ass.

Coworkers!

2006-08-16T15:03:00.000-06:00

There's a "coworker"/"superior" of mine who insists on saying hello in the absolutely most annoying falsetto, phony sounding voice that I have ever encountered in my lifetime thus far. "Heeeelllllooooooooooo" When I hear it my skin crawls in retaliation, attempting to escape the offending vibrations emanating from her throat. She's done it twice already today. If I have to hear it again I'm going to throw something at her. Or maybe just throw something against a wall as hard as I can. Maybe I'll just do that anyway because it's actually a very therapeutic activity.

I now leave you with "Fergie's" new video. This is Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, not to be confused with Fergie, the Dutchess. Because if I haven't offended you already with my anger management issues, all of your senses will be offended after watching this....atrocity. Enjoy!

Blogger Bash

2006-08-14T12:48:00.000-06:00

I figure since I went to the Blogger Bash last night I should probably post something other than a silly youtube video just in case someone decides to check out my site. Since I'm busy procrastinating writing something for work, this is the perfect time to write a quick post. At first glance, you might assume I'm obsessed with David Hasselhoff and ZZ Top, and you would be right. Not really obsessed with them in particular, but with cheesiness in general.

I actually enjoyed myself last night. I kind of expected it to be awkward meeting a bunch of strangers, but I suppose the multiple beers I consumed may have helped avert that potential. Everyone was friendly and talkative. I half expected some big egos at the table since some bloggers tend to be narcissistic, but that was not the case at all. It was nice meeting everyone! I'll be checking out these bloggers' blogs in the blogosphere as soon as bloggity possible: The Freedonian, Voting in Memphis, Red State Circle Jerk, Thaddeus Matthews, Rock Girl, Life in and Around Memphis, Brandon Morrison, Semi Charmed Kat. I already read Theology & Geology and Rock and Roll Minor Planets, the blogger bash organizer.

Procrastination time is now up.

I've been a terrible blogger this week

2006-08-10T13:20:00.000-06:00

I've been a little blah as of late. I've still got nothing. But I do want to leave you this video. I think it would be cool to reenact the "Legs" video for youtube. I want to be one of the sassy, highly fashionable "ZZ" ladies who catwalks in with her hands on her hips to bring justice to the assholes in the shoe store and convenience store. I think I'll be the one all in white with the gloves and beret. You better watch out bitches.

Hatred for dinner

2006-08-03T11:05:00.000-06:00

Last Saturday night, during dinner at my host's "cabin" at Heber Springs I had the misfortune of sitting next to a person consumed with hate. In the midst of a seemingly harmless conversation about college loans and scholarships, Mr. Racist Pig blurts out the "n" word. I find it shocking that this old man would assume it is okay to use that term in front of a complete stranger who he has only just met. After he spewed his hatred there was a long stretch of silence. I don't look at any of the other 8 people sitting at the table because I was staring down at my plate, unsure of what to do. My boyfriend was the person he directly addressed so he just weakly nodded.

It's one thing to battle your own racist demons. But to experience that hatred in such pure and virile form sitting directly next to you chowing down on spaghetti is unnerving. It got my wheels spinning. Am I more like this man than I think? How did he end up that way? Is racism just fear disguised as hate?

The Futureheads

2006-08-01T14:56:00.000-06:00

Are awesome! I love this band.

Tomorrow I will tell you a little about my weekend on the lake. I ate dinner with the most racist person I think I've ever encountered. It was very disturbing.

Little Miss Sunshine

2006-07-28T08:37:00.000-06:00

Jiggle

2006-07-27T14:22:00.000-06:00

I'm going to Heber Springs this weekend for the first time ever. I hear it is beautiful. I'll be attempting to water ski for the first time in, oh let's say 15 years. I'm going to take the most recent Murakami book I've been meaning to read but haven't found the time. There's only one small kink in this relaxing weekend on the lake - my boyfriend's cousin is coming in from LA. She has the personality of a shrub and the body of a heroin-chic model. Annoying combo. So I'll feel like even more of a fat cow as my fat jiggles in the wind behind the speed boat(if I'm actually able to get up on the skis). Oh well, it'll be fun. It's not a party until the fat starts jiggling.

Bush poopies

2006-07-24T14:33:00.000-06:00

Found this brilliant art project called madeyouthink.org via Rocketboom, my new favorite vlog. Click on the link and see all the photos of little Bush flags stuck in various forms of feces found all over the world. Very effective statement.

Ima Blogging Machine

2006-07-21T12:44:00.000-06:00

I don't know why I always feel the need to blog about what's ailing me. I guess it's sort of cathartic in a way. I'm not even sure even I'm using that term in the correct sense, but it's the best I could conjure up from my little brain right now. (Actually, I just looked it up in Word, and I am using it correctly)

Anyway, here's the dilemma. Last night I was at the Lamplighter and an acquaintence I hadn't seen in a while comes in and hangs out with me and my friend. This friend is a man, a bit older than me, and we used to flirt harmlessly. Let me get to the crux of this - I invited him over to grill out because he mentioned he has a shit load of tuna he caught in the Gulf. I love me some tuna steaks. But will it be akward hanging out with this guy I don't really know that well, who is sort of a harmless pervert, and my boyfriend, who can get jealous and is most definitely a pervert? Is this going to blow up in my face? Has my love of tuna clouded my judgement in this scenario? These are the demons I battle today.

Don't Hassle the Hoff!

2006-07-20T14:23:00.000-06:00

I've recently become obsessed with David Hasselhoff after watching his new "music video", which I have graciously posted here for your viewing pleasure. It defies any description that would do it justice. You just have to experience it for yourself. I particularly enjoy when he starts gyrating his hips in front of the American flag. I also enjoy when it seems like the girls say, "I know you're gay." They're actually saying, "I know your game." That's kind of funny.

I was singing the chorus to my manager and said the "I know you're gay," response of the girls. When I realized that he didn't know what I was talking about I was kind of taken aback for a moment because I actually do think he's gay, but I wasn't trying to confess this to him at the moment I was just imitating the Hoff masterpiece.

Boobies

2006-07-19T15:16:00.000-06:00

Last night I hung out with a friend of mine that I rarely get to see anymore because she popped out two kids in quick succession. She told me she thought I had gotten a boob job. I've guess putting on some pounds does have one advantage. I got me some boobs! I don't really like my new found boobs, but I guess its better than porking out and remaining the same size.

David Hasselhoff is one sexy mf

2006-07-17T14:56:00.000-06:00

Neil Hamburger?

2006-07-11T12:16:00.000-06:00

So I figure I've taken a long enough hiatus from my blog. I was trying to leave a comment on another blog and I couldn't remember my username and password.

I'm contemplating going to the Neil Hamburger comedy show with band Danileson at the Hi-tone. I'm not sure if he's all that funny, but I would like to see a Christian indie rock band. That combination doesn't happen everyday. Perhaps they are an ironic Christian indie rock band? Maybe I will get saved. If hipsters listen to religious music will their heads explode with uncoolness?

To whom it may concern:

2006-05-31T14:33:00.000-06:00

I'm going on hiatus for a little while. A little summer break if you will. Try not to cry too much. It pains me just as much as it pains you. But really, I'm sick of this blog. It sux donkey dicks.

A couple more funnies

2006-05-26T14:18:00.000-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hl70ns0m3gg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_44-8U1H8A&search=cnn

"Let me talk Carol!"

Gay people don't climb mountains

2006-05-26T11:06:00.000-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKO6G0pC0AM

I cannot figure out how to copy the code to embed youtube clips. When I copy and paste it only a small part of it gets copied. I'm not stupid or anything. There must be some secret to it that I haven't figured out yet. Or maybe I am stupid. Anway, this little slip-up cracked me up. You know the anchor woman feels like a complete dumb ass.

Blog This!

2006-05-24T13:39:00.000-06:00

I was trying to think of the reason why I haven't posted anything as of late. I guess I'm just lazy and uninspired. Blah, blah, blah. If the thought of blogging something bores me, it will most definitely bore the bejeezus out of anyone who stops by. I'm pondering the idea of going to the Pinback show at the Hi-tone tonight, but I'm not really that excited about it. I've only heard one of their CD's, I guess the latest, and it didn't rock my world or anything. The "Fortress" song is good, but the rest is 'whateva'.

I wish my cube wasn't directly across from a workaholic because it disrupts my slack off time. I start to get paranoid that she knows I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. She probably resents me and secretly hopes I get busted for not being a good little worker.

I saw Da Vinci Code last night, and I thought they did a good job making the book visually come to life. Tom Hanks pulled it off to my surprise. I thought he was would be too old and homely. I was envisioning Kevin Kline or Liam Neeson. But I guess those guys are getting a little long in the tooth too.

Go send a monkey card, it's fun.

Eat, drink and watch TV - for tomorrow we die!

2006-05-15T19:56:00.000-06:00

I had one of the most unproductive week-ends yet, and that is is very, very, very unproductive as I am a lazy sack of shit on a good day. My downfall began on Friday evening as I proceeded to be suckered in to watching several episodes of "The Search for the Ultimate Coyote Ugly," (or something like that) on CMT (Country Music Television). What is wrong with me? I did go out for a little while to eat and drink. The next day I got up to eat and drink a bit more for lunch, big surprise! The 2 overpriced plastic cups of margaitas forced me to forgo the planned jog to lounge on the couch and conspicuously consume some of the 48 hour Brady Bunch marathon on Nick at Nite. When I eventually dozed off after 5, 6 episodes, I even dreamt I lived in a replica of the Brady Bunch house. That evening I went out to eat and drink some more! My roommate kept on ordering shots for our group and guess who got to split the tab with him? The next day I was able to catch the "Still Brady's After All These Years" special hosted by Jenny McCarthy, after which I ate out with the parents for mother's day and came painfully close to having a nervous breakdown because every person alive was trying to eat out at the same time.

I can't wait for BBQ fest this week-end where I will explode and perish in a grand finale only worthy of the greatest sloth that ever did live.

I'm obsessed with the pointless

2006-05-10T13:43:00.000-06:00

Damn it, why do I care what the answers to these pointless "IQ" questions are? Oh yeah, because I'm an obsessive-compulsive freak. I am intelligent, according to this "test", with my 16 correct answers. But now I need to know the other stupid, meaningless answers. This reminds me of those Excel movie still quizzes that erased the actor's faces. Remember those? That also brought out my obsessive side with a vengeance.

I can't believe it's already time for BBQ Fest. I'll be drinking and eating ungodly amounts about 3 nights in a row in support of my boyfriend's team called Trailer Pork. That should make for some interesting blogging material. Unlike this week where I blog about some lame test that I got off myspace from the girl that posts about 50 bulletins a day.

Faux hip hop slang terms that make my skin crawl: yo, fo reals, ya heard?, fo shizzle et al, true that, up in my grill, off the hook. Don't be using those terms, yo! Fo reals. Ya heard?

I realize some of those terms aren't used much these days but they still cause my ears to burn. I used to have a bitch boss that would say "True that" all the time in meetings. She was so damn pleased with her SUV driving, 2.5 kid having, loaded, lilly-white ass. I still harbor such hate for that woman.

Boys will be boys

2006-05-05T14:13:00.000-06:00

Read this interesting essay on Salon about the Duke Lacrosse rape. The description of a group of Duke college boys terrorizing an older woman sounds all too familiar. I've been around those types of boys in my college days. It is terrifying how prevalent they are in society. Where do they learn that women should be humiliated? I don't get it.

Illustration

2006-05-05T11:45:00.000-06:00

I stole this picture from Go Fug Yourself because it illustrates what Titzilla's getup was like at Garcia Wells. Titzilla didn't have quite the degree of boobage to work with, but you see how the nipples are dangerously close to popping out to say "Hi there!" Not appropriate Titzilla, not appropriate for fuck's sake!

I have a new co-worker is quite the tool. Not only is he dorky and awkward, he's kind of a condescending jerk as well. That is a bad combination of personality traits. I had to eat lunch with him today and several times I longed to make dork noises at him, but that would have been rude so I held back. A dork noise goes something like this, nurrrhhhhh! durrhhhurrhurr!

Robin Wiliams' new feces movie

2006-05-03T10:10:00.000-06:00

I think I want to see this new Robin Williams movie after reading this review in Slate. I thought it was just another lame feel-good family flick. Not so. An excerpt from the review:

Barry Sonnenfeld has always told stories about outsiders making their way in a new world, but in RV he tells a story about doo-doo. The film is covered in it. The Munro family's RV is nicknamed "the big rolling turd," and the male characters constantly talk about using the bathroom to "launch an ICBM." An early set piece is concerned with draining the RV's septic tank, an exercise that draws an audience and ends with Williams humiliated and soaked in yellow, liquefied excrement before Daniels hoses him off, with special attention paid to hosing off Williams' crotch. Later in the movie, Williams will feign diarrhea to escape to his business meeting, and he spends many scenes sitting on the toilet while using his laptop. Slobber, chewed food, brains, and liquefied human fat also make unpleasant appearances.

Hmmm...............sounds interesting. I like poop.

Tongue action

2006-05-02T13:54:00.000-06:00

Yesterday evening around 7:00 I went for a jog in my Cooper-Young neighborhood. I usually avoid eye contact with other people because I don't feel like exchanging smiles. So there's a lesbian couple walking down the street and for some reason I decide to actively smile at them. All I get is a blatant stare down from the extremely butch girl. I smiled yet again - nothing but a hostile stare. So I stick out my toungue and make a crazy contorted face. And I never looked back. One of these days I will get my ass kicked. But come on, just give a half smile back for fuck's sake. Geez.

Titzilla and the Soft Opening

2006-05-01T12:15:00.000-06:00

On Saturday I went to a "soft opening" of Garcia Wells, the new upscale Tex-Mex restaurant in Overton Square where Friday's used to be. Though my boyfriend found a way to pervert the term soft opening (not such a hard feat), it just means a practice run for family and friends before the restaurant actually opens for the general public. I went with my roomate, his friend, and Serabee, who has already described Tits McGee, aka Titzilla.

Titzilla's tits made our acquaintence right off the bat. Her tit exposure level was off the charts high. I'm talking strip club levels, and Garcia Wells is an upscale establishment. She either had fake breasts (most likely) or a turbo charged bra that could lift and push those puppies together yet still remain completely hidden in the shirt cut down to her belly. A quarter of an inch lower and we could call her Nippzilla. Let's just say it was slightly inappropriate.

Cleavage is fine. I personally don't like to show cleavage, partly because I don't own any bras that could produce much for me, but this was way beyond mere cleavage. This tit display didn't seem to be humanly possible. I guess silicone doesn't move too much so the threat of a nipple shot is reduced.

Of course my friends and I, being the catty bitches we are, joked around a bit with each other about the appendage assault our senses were experiencing. To make matters worse, she either had absolutely no bartending skills whatsoever and was hired solely on her breast expertise, or she heard some of our comments and decided to fuck with us. I think it was a combo of the two. She proceeded to ignore our margarita order and make one for some dude. When she finally got around to making our drinks, SB politely inquired about the kind of tequila she used. She picked up the bottle and went to explain the tequila to her little boyfriend at the other end of the bar. What the fuck? I think her head was full of silicone as well.

Beware of Titzilla.

Fat Friday

2006-04-28T13:02:00.000-06:00

Last night I ate 2 humongous servings of cookies and cream ice cream instead of taking my fat ass on a jog. And I wonder why my clothes don't fit. My rationale for the excessive amount of ice cream consumption was that I needed to go ahead and finish off the container so it wouldn't be in the house anymore. And I wonder why I can't shed any lbs. Pretty soon I'll only be able to wear clothes with elastic waist bands because I absolutely refuse to purchase any clothes one size bigger than what I cram on to my body now. I refuse!

I'm beginning to sound like a Cathy cartoon, i.e. annoying. I will shut up and be glad that I'm not extremely overweight and that my flesh hasn't fused with the fabric strands of my couch requiring a team of surgeons to make a house call to cut me free. That would suck much worse. Don't ever quit smoking people!

Ok, I'll stop with the fat talk. Friday is such a bittersweet day of the week. The afternoon stretches on almost as long as the other 4 days combined because you've worked a full week and the freedom of the week-end is so close that you can't really focus on anything else. Everyone's favorite day is Friday, but it's pretty low on my list. I like Wednesdays and Thursdays much better because you're close but not too close.

2006-04-27T21:08:00.000-06:00

The pigs were booking it. This was the only picture I managed to get.

Hi, I'm a pompous asshole

2006-04-26T13:04:00.000-06:00

Happy Administrative Professionals Day! Read this article on Slate about one assistant's disdain for this "holiday". Doesn't that illustration perfectly capture the pompous boss look? "Oh, I'm taking you out to lunch so that immediately compensates for the horrific discrepancies in our incomes. I make enough each week to pay all your bills for half a year. How about Subway? How does that sound? Put away that fiver, it's your day!"

Though I don't presently work for a pompous asshole, I've dealt with more than I care to remember. I find that rich people are almost always obnoxious braggers. So you're going sailing in the British Virgin Islands for 2 weeks. Fantastic! Tell me all about it! I can't even afford to drive across town!

I'll have a few pictures of the Juke Joint Festival soon, including a racing pig! Woot!

I hanker for a hunk of cheese

2006-04-21T14:32:00.000-06:00

I remember this guy from back in the day but I thought he was a peanut. I guess I got him confused with the Planter's Peanuts mascot? He's just a yellow circle with a cowboy hat - kind of reminiscent of a peanut I guess. The series was called Time for Timer.

I tried to post the youtube embedded player but blogger wouldn't let me. Now it's not letting me upload a photo either. I guess it's not Time for Timer afterall.

Pandora

2006-04-20T11:48:00.000-06:00

Pandora is a tee-totally cool and free streaming radio service that lets you create 100 different artist "stations". So if you type in "The Verve", it plays songs of similar artists for as long as you wish to listen. I've already discovered a shit load of new artists. I'll have to buy some songs from iTunes or get my deviant manager to steal them from Limewire.

I'm thinking about going to the Juke Joint Festival in Clarksdale, MS this Saturday. The only thing holding me back is a wedding that my boyfriend is obligated to attend. If I was a dutiful girlfriend I would go with him, but I don't even know the dude getting married. So if I can shake off the guilt I feel for not going, the festival might be a good ol' time. They have pig races and monkeys riding dogs (not sure if the latter is a race or just a demonstration). The animal events are of course secondary to the blues music, but I have to admit I'd be interested to see a monkey riding a dog. Though it could be slightly disturbing depending on the pairings of monkey and dog species. Hopefully they're little dainty monkeys. I envision hats.

Be Nice or Leave

2006-04-18T07:58:00.000-06:00

Via waiterrant, I found this very well-written article in USA Today about how CEO's of major corporations treat waiters. It reaffirms what basic common sense dictates, good people treat everyone with respect regardless of what their perceived station in life may be. It's reassuring to know that even the most powerful and successful people in the world understand and practice this philosophy. The world would be a much better place if everyone could come to this understanding.

I told a co-worker today to "Turn that frown upside down!" as a joke, but really that's the way I feel today. I'm possessed with a sickenly positive attitude that is very uncharacteristic. I'm gonna run with it and see where it goes.

You suck Bruno Marcotulli

2006-04-13T10:02:00.000-06:00

I haven't been watching the Black.White reality show on FX because I can never remember to set the DVR to record it, but I stumpled across an interview with the show's creator and found this "midlife rap" performed by Bruno Marcotulli (the white main character of the show). Ummm, it pretty much sums up everything that is wrong with society. What an ignorant piece of worthless shit (the guy and the "rap"). I can't even process what it is that makes me want to punch him in the face. I guess it's his overly simplistic worldview that if people just try hard enough then everything will be peachy. Get over yourself Bruno. You have no idea what life is like for other people. Just because you grew up in a pampered middle-class family that paid for your college education and nutured you lovingly, doesn't necessitate that everyone else had the same privileges as you. You're a fool!

Life's a bitch and then you die

2006-04-06T15:27:00.000-06:00

Mankind, in its self-congratulatory revelry, will finally come to
realize that all forms of kudos simply blind us from the solitary
incontrovertible truth: life is a hollow shell of nil.
From the Nihilist Job Resume on McSweeney's.

More Sesame Street

2006-04-05T14:27:00.000-06:00

I searched on youtube for the Sesame Street cartoon where the little girl recites "a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, and a stick of butter" over and over again so she can remember it when she gets to the store. I think along the way she meets some strange characters and gets distracted. I couldn't find it though, so I'm sharing "The Ladybug Picnic", because I remember this one too. I am obsessed with Sesame Street right now. There is something wrong with me. There's just something I like about seeing something you remember from when you were a child, and it's more than just nostalgia. There are these little morsels of memory hanging out in your brain and to see the holes around those morsels fully formed and filled in is very satisfying.

2006-04-04T13:10:00.000-06:00

I get Maaaad

2006-03-30T14:55:00.000-06:00

I've been having so much road rage lately, so I've been thinking about how I could stop myself, or at least alleviate the stressful effects it's got to be having on me. The mad goat cartoon from Sesame Street popped into my head. For some reason this is one of the few Sesame Street memories that has stuck with me through the years. "I get mad, I get mad, I get mad." Anway, there needs to be a soothing cartoon for road ragers who are sick of SUV's trying to kill them. I found the infamous mad goat clip on youtube. Enjoy.

Shower spongey thing

2006-03-28T13:41:00.000-06:00

For lunch today I went with my manager to Target to pick up some items and then we ate at Wendy's. It's kind of weird running errands with someone you don't know that well. I like my manager and consider him my friend, but evaluating toothpastes and deodorant, it just didn't feel quite right. Anyway, I limited myself to 3 necessities, all of which were some version of orange. I could have been on one of those artsy Target commercials with my yellow-organge Arm & Hammer detergent bottle, neon orange shower sponge, and orange and white Pepperidge Farms Goldfish carton. My purchase was very pleasing to the eye.

Speaking of which, I can't imagine not using a shower sponge thingy, yet they didn't really come into vogue until maybe the mid 90's, if I recall correctly. Bar soap and a washcloth used to be the norm. Weird. I bet whoever invented that "sponge" is a billionaire. I wonder what the proper term is. Maybe wikipedia will know.

Drifting

2006-03-27T16:10:00.000-06:00

Sometimes my surfing/time killing abilities scare me. I deserve a trophy. I'm listening to Cat Power's newest and just drifting along here and there in cyperspace. Maybe I'll go to wikipedia and learn a bit more about polygamy. I wonder if that's even how you spell it. Maybe it's spelled polygomy. Maybe I'll look up nutmeg because the director where I work brought everyone back a nutmeg from her trip to some beach. Apparently it can kill you if you eat the wrong part, and it's used in mace. Maybe I'll do some work. Maybe I'll write a blog. Maybe I'll just shut it down and go home.

No Soul Fish review because I didn't go. I'm not that excited about it anymore.

FYI, "Willie" is my favorite song.

They hate me, they really hate me

2006-03-23T14:11:00.000-06:00

So I was trying to come up with some kind of regular feature I could have on this here blog to possibly make it less boring. The best I can come up with is restaurant reviews, because that will be pretty easy and I can take pictures too. I'll be going to Soul Fish this week-end, a new restaurant on Cooper opened up by Tiger who owns the Young Avenue Deli. So look for a short review of it next week. It has a cool neon blue swordfish on the front of the building. I hope it's not just fried catfish, but I have a feeling that's what it will be. I may turn this blog into more of a food blog where I review restaurants and recipes. Of course I'll still share little observational tidbits when they come up. Like how the staff of Bogey's hates me for some reason. Every time I go there they treat me like a mangy mutt. I don't get it. They're perfectly pleasant to the people I'm with, but when it's my time to order I get the snub. And I'm not paranoid. Other people notice it as well. I must give off some bad vibe that only Bogey's can pick up on.

2006-03-21T13:39:00.000-06:00

Read this article, "I Hate Tumors," from Jane magazine. It brought tears to my eyes.

Rainy Monday

2006-03-20T15:41:00.000-06:00

I'm glad I never followed through on my grand idea to get a tattoo of Animal somewhere on my body. That novelty would have worn off pretty quickly, though I still identify with him. If I could I would morph into Animal to confront coworkers, complete strangers, jackass drivers, etc. AAANIIIMAAAL!

St. Paddy's Day

2006-03-17T14:19:00.000-06:00

Last night I watched ABC News Primetime about game theory. One of the ways they demonstrated game theory was by having 5 volunteers (all overweight) agree to have their picture taken in a bikini which would by aired on national TV if they didn't lose 15 pounds in 2 months. All except 1 exceeded the weight loss requirement. It would be awesome if everyone could have access to such an effective motivator. Of course they didn't actually show the 1 woman's pictures on TV, it was just the threat of them being shown that did the trick. You'd think not fitting into clothes and mirrors would do the trick, but not really. It takes more extreme measures for the lazier types.

David Hasselhoff is one fine looking leprechaun. Mmmmmm.

I met Norman Bates

2006-03-14T13:49:00.000-06:00

Slowly but surely getting over the consumption/SARS/bird flu combo.

Saturday afternoon I went on a thrift store adventure with my roomate who was in search of some workpants for his waiter job. He reasoned that since they'll just get fucked up anyway, no use spending his hard earned money on a new pair. After enduring the stench and filth of 3 different stores, as well as discovering a used tighty whitey section (gross), we happened upon a place next to the DAV that advertised vintage jewelry and clothing. I knew something was fishy when I walked in and saw there was no electricity. After the owner said he was liquidating his deceased mother's collection, he starting spewing nonsense immediately. "Some of the jewelry dates back to the Titanic era. This here (moldy, threadbare, homemade-looking) jacketdates back to the Colonial period. It would go for $600 dollars on Ebay." His bullshit continued incessantly while I tried to feign interest in his crappy, musty wares. I thought at any moment he would appear Norman Bates style in one of his mother's wigs and dresses and murder us because everything he said was completely insane. It was the most tragic experience I've had in quite awhile. It wasn't just that I was scared of him - I felt sorry for the guy. The building was falling apart, the jewelry was crappy, the clothes stunk, but he thought he could make them desirable by making up unbelievable bullshit. My roomate bought an "authentic Harley-Davidson T-shirt from the 70's, that people would surely try to buy off his back it was so rare and valuable.

I hope I don't have the bird flu

2006-03-10T11:48:00.000-06:00

I had vowed to post more regularly, but I went and caught consumption. Seriously, I've had a severe cough for over 2 weeks now. It totally sux. I'm getting fat because I don't want to work out because I'm scared it will make my cough even worse. I kind of saw a doctor for 5 minutes, mayeb. He diagnosed me with bronchitis and sinusitus, and prescribed some antibiotics. I'm not sure how he came to that conclusion given he was in my presence for such a short time but whatever.

Regardless of this dag gum consumption, I'm going to try to have a good week-end. I missed the Aqualung show at the Deli. I wonder how it was. I wonder how big of a crowd came. I wish there were post-show reviews you could check out. Usually it's just a bio of the band before the show that gets published.

It's time to go scarf down some food.

Travlelin' Thru

2006-03-06T15:35:00.000-06:00

Quick note on the Oscars last night that will make me sound anti-Memphis although I promise I'm not. I was rooting for Dolly to win the Oscar for Best Song. Watching her perform that song gave me goosebumps. She looks like she may have gone overboard on the plastic surgergy, but damn she can work a crowd. I was ready to get baptized in the river after her "Travelin' Thru" rendition. I like that "It's Hard out Here for a Pimp" song. It's catchy and what not. But I don't think it deserved to even be nominated. Slate's Dana Steven's captures my sentiment more eloquently than I can in this article. She says:

As a nation, should we be worried about the fact that the most heartwarming and spontaneous moment of last night's ceremony involved the idealization of the pimp? How hard is it out there for a ho? And is the academy's newfound pimp-love proof that race trumps gender as well, or would America be just as enamored of a white man singing a song called "Wife-Beater Blues"?

Seriously, would it be so quaint if poor white people were rapping about their meth labs and having to rough up their old lady because she was smoking too much of the supply? Would that be the "white" equivalent of pimpin' out a ho in the ghetto?

Quitters Never Win

2006-03-02T14:55:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow will be the year anniversary of me as a non-smoker. Ironically I have terrible cough right now that sounds a lot like a smoker's cough. Like a 5 packs a day smoker's cough. It's like rain on your wedding day. It's a free ride when you've already paid. It's the good advice that you just didn't take. Yeah, I really do think.

So since quitting smoking is one of the biggest accomplishments of my life thus far, tomorrow I'm taking the day off work. I'm also getting a facial. I deserve a little pampering for kicking that nasty habit. I'm gonna pretend like I'm Paris Hilton tomorrow. No wait, I don't want to act like an undeserving spoiled whore. I'll just pretend my life is the greatest. And maybe, just maybe, by thinking it is, it will become the truth. A self-fullfilling prophecy. Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. It's gonna be a good day.

I can't say I miss the smoking it at all. I was just ready to quit.

2006-02-28T15:57:00.000-06:00

This Black.White show on FX is going to be awesome. I can't wait.

Read this review in the Commerical Appeal. I don't think it did the show justice.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2006-02-27T10:39:00.000-06:00

I am starting to behave like Mr. Rogers. I have my little corduroy jacket that I wear to work and out and about. When I get home, the first thing I do is remove the "work" jacket and don the "leisure" jacket, a red comfy fleece. I believe Mr. Rogers had a sweater that he liked to don when he arrived back at the pad. I also have a shoe removal ritual where I take off the work boots and put on the leopard print, fuzzy slippers. This will all change once it stops being so freakin' cold outside, because I won't need my fuzzy fleece and slippers anymore. I just need to make up a little song I can sing for the changing of the shoes and jacket. Of course Mr. Rogers didn't work a 9 to 5 job. He was just out doing some errands, so he wasn't worn down and grumpy from the daily grind. But I wonder why he wore a suit?

Cubed

2006-02-23T09:53:00.000-06:00

I know - I'm a bad blogger. I guess it's just the hag in me. So I switched cubes in my office, and I'm pleased with my new environs. It's amazing the difference not having to see people can make in the quality of your work experience. Now I don't have to fake smile at every person who looks at me as they walk by because they don't walk by me anymore. Nice! Whoo-hooo! Now if only I weren't so fat, and my job so boring. Baby steps, baby steps. We can't all be rock stars.

I like the new Morrissey song- "I Will See You in Far Off Places".

Hag

2006-02-16T15:31:00.000-06:00

I have become such a hateful, bitter hag. I need to work on turning the mother ship back around so I can continue on a more productive path. I need to do a 180. Surely I can stop myself from turning into a useless bitch if I try hard enough. I just gotta think positively and focus my energy away from the dark side. It's hard when you're a tub of lard and your hair is frizzy and greasy at the same time, just like that pathetic girl you used to make fun of in 6th grade. Not only am I disgusted with myself, I'm disgusted that I'm writing about how disgusted I am. Holy shit, can I please just go the fuck home?

I hate everything

2006-02-14T12:29:00.000-06:00

So last night I finally drug myself to the gym after taking last week off. I decided to weigh myself to see if my "diet" had had any effect over the past 3 weeks. I've been keeping track of calorie consumption and trying to cut back on fat, etc. Well, I've gained a pound and a half since undertaking the calorie tracking. Nothing quite like gaining weight when you're trying to lose weight. I wanted to pummell someone. I wonder what people thought when they saw my hate filled face on the elliptical machine glaring at every person and thing. I wish it was easy to snap out of a bad mood, because I would do it if I could. When I get in a funk there's no escaping it.

It's time to take my fat ass to the gym more often because I'm going to get these lbs off if it's the last fucking thing I do.

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day!

Valentime's Day

2006-02-10T10:54:00.000-06:00

What are you supposed to get a guy for Valentine's day? I've never bought a boyfriend anything for Valentine's before, but I guess I need to get something this year, right? Even though they say Valentine's Day is only for women. I have absolutely no idea what would be appropriate. Something quirkly like Dwight's girlfriend from "The Office" got him? - a bobblehead replica of himself? Or something romantic, like....... fuck if I know. Candy? Valentine condoms? CD? Plant? I should get him something thoughtful. Unfortunately I can't think of what that might be.
Maybe I'll get him a singing telegram. I wonder if anyone offers those services in Memphis? I'll get him a lady cop to sing him a Valentine diddy. Now that's romantic.

http://fun4parties.com/telegrams/

Prices start at $150.00. That's a deal.

"E-mails and egos"

2006-02-08T12:46:00.000-06:00

Found this article called "E-mails and egos" through The Morning News site. It talks about how the tone of emails are often misunderstood. I've thought about the difference between email and phone conversations before, and how phone conversations are almost nonexistent in the workplace. If I get a call, I almost want to tell them to hang up and email me with their question. Email just seems more efficient. An excerpt from the article is below.

"...In a study in the December Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol. 89, No. 5, pages 925–936), they find that people overestimate both their ability to convey their intended tone–be it sarcastic, serious or funny–when they send an e-mail, as well as their ability to correctly interpret the tone of messages others send to them.

The reason for this communication disconnect, the researchers find, is egocentrism–the well-established social psychological phenomenon whereby people have a difficult time detaching themselves from their own perspectives and understanding how other people will interpret them."

Just yesterday I got a work email that sounded bitchy and I retorted back with an email that was possibly a tiny bit snippy. The co-worker immediatley emailed me back saying she didn't mean to sound like she was nagging and apologized. I guess my intended tone was transmitted accurately.

Elbow, Salad Fingers, Lollipops

2006-02-06T15:17:00.000-06:00

Thanks to KEXP I've discovered another great band - Elbow. I've copied and pasted part of a review of their newest release, "Leaders of the Free World" - it can be found here(PlayLouder.com)

'Leaders of the Free World' could only have come from 2005, with its rawness and its new millennium dark emotional pleas. It has that melancholic, rainy day sadness of autumn in the north west, that misty rain that never seems to end, mashed in with pastoral - almost whimsical - ooze, that makes British psychedelia far better than most American stuff. Its backdrop is the scuzzy Manchester city centre venues, grimly surrounded by glass towers and fake posh. It is love and heartbreak in Whalley range bedsits, and that sadness that still hangs in the air of the boisterous northern city.

This is Elbow's classic. Their imagination sees them build up some great slabs of music, a clanking percussion that sounds like someone has been checking out Tom Waits drum tracks - soaked in a big room sound and keyboard rushes that trip you. You can feel the drums, it's that visceral. Elbow play it raw like a band who grew up in rock, it's just that they have learned to turn everything down and still hit the same emotional resonance.

I have a bad case of "The Mondays" and I've eaten all my lollipops. Why couldn't it have snowed last night?

Here's a link to Salad Fingers - a disturbing little creature that likes rusty spoons, nettles, and eating sand. There are 7 shorts so far in the Salad Fingers collection, so if you want to see more go to this site for the rest.

KEXP rules

2006-02-02T10:40:00.000-06:00

All is right with the world. I finally found where the headphone jack is on my computer and can now listen to my beloved KEXP while I trudge through another cube day. My quality of life has immediately increased by 50%. Hallelujah. Good music makes everything better. As well as lollipops.

So I intermittently watched a little of American Idol last night while cooking some healthy and bland food. I would watch a new contestant enter the room and interact a bit with the judges, and if they started singing like complete crap, I would quickly go into the kitchen and continue my cooking, cringing in embarrassment at the mangled sounds escaping from the poor fool. It's so mean how the producers will pick out the most pathetic contestants from the sticks, interview them and build them up, only to zoom in on their stricken faces at the end when they're completely humiliated by the judges. It's cruel, but it sure is entertaining. Like that one fat girl with the dual braids framing her face who tried to sing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," whose performance was reminiscent of Rain Main if he was a choir girl.